My First Time
My First Time…you’ll get it in a minute. Its late and I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster tonight.
Have you ever experienced a moment where you have a thought and then all of a sudden hundreds of memories or pieces of advice come flooding in only to reiterate that very thought? My guess is that you have, but that description probably didn’t ring a bell. Let me share what happened…then I’m sure you’ll remember your own “moment”
Tonight was our first date night. Which means it was also the first time BOTH of us have left Hannah at home. We have experienced being away from Hannah, but his time was different, much different. Neither of us would be there with her. We as Hannah’s parents know how indescribably special she is and knowing as much, will do anything and everything to make sure she is safe, healthy & happy. As long as one of us is around…Hannah’s covered.
*SIDE NOTE* As a mom & a wife I couldn’t have asked for a better “Babby Daddy”. Hannah’s Dad=A+. I also know that our God, the King of Kings loves this girl infinitely more than Ben & I combined…and that He truly has her “covered”. But there’s head knowledge and heart knowledge. I’m a new mom. Give me some time and I will try to remember that next time. :)
The day has finally come! Date Night…is on. 6:30pm showing of “Olympus”. Grandma is at the ready. Dinner fixed and eaten by 5:45pm. Last minute details being given. Nursing takes a bit longer, no problem there’s a 7:30pm showing. Say goodbyes & walk out the door…
For most, the next event in this chain would be getting in the car & driving off. Then get a ticket, buy popcorn, & enjoy the show. For me…not so much. Not a second after my feet hit the front porch did I start tearing up. “What If” thoughts, like rain, flooded my mind. Imagine your windshield in a rain storm. Can’t see much past whats right in front of you right? Yeah. Well that is how my already fried brain felt like. I did “get in the car & drive” but I also had to be reassured that everything was going to be ok and remember that this step had to be taken. Step #1. Leave your child at home and have a date with your boy toy. SOOOO easy to say SOOOO much harder to do.
As I was in line getting our tickets I noticed all the other women who were doing IT. (Oh. How that word has changed!!!) These moms with their grown children, did IT a long time ago and a lot since then. Those moms with there 4 young children running around probably don’t do IT very often…
I’m making this sound funny on purpose, to balance the fact that in reality I have been a HOT MESS ALL NIGHT!!!!. I was crying staring at these brave women. Then the “moment” I was talking about earlier, hit me. Things are different now.
THINGS ARE GOING TO BE DIFFERENT NOW. How many times have I heard that during my pregnancy??? But now, tonight, I heard it was such clarity and understanding. Getting ready to have a few hours alone with Ben is DIFFERENT. Being away from my daughter is DIFFERENT. Going to the movies is DIFFERENT. The way I look at my own mother’s, motherly instincts is DIFFERENT. How I look at women with children is DIFFERENT. How I look at women without children is DIFFERENT. “Women’s brains are like spaghetti, they are connected to everything. So true, but even that is DIFFERENT than before. I have a lot more noodles now!
Things ARE different now, and tonight I was away from my daughter for the first time. That was DIFFERENT. You know how when you are standing in line at a roller coaster secretly freaking out and trying to think of just 1 way to escape without looking completely chicken…then you see that 7 year old get out of her seat all giggly. That is when it hits you and you say to yourself “If she can do it, then surely I can too”. All these other women doing IT tonight, in the movie theatre, with their husbands (sorry. just can’t stop) they were my 7 year old. If they can do IT, so can I. And I did. I successfully sat through an entire movie in a theatre a whole 5 minutes away from Hannah. That is major. Step #1 complete!
I am not trying to be overly dramatic here, I’m just writing out of a still very emotional evening.
Listen ladies, your husband may have “stolen” your heart, but this baby is walking around with it. We have the honor of being the safe place God uses while our baby grows; but the second he/she is born Its On Like Donkey Kong!!! Your heart which used to also be stored safely within your body, is now breathing and very vulnerable. News Flash! This is what causes our “noodle brain” to go out of control. Yes!, women are complicated and Yes!, we are at times a little crazy…but someone(s) are walking around with our heart.
Coming home never felt so good! Being away from Hannah did not feel right. IT did not feel good and I don’t want to do IT again for a while, but I am…tomorrow…. at church.
(Man I’m on a role…insert the “Lord forgive me…” Larry the Cable Guy impression here)
Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now:
New date night-less moms, moms-to-be, and Jessica Miller tomorrow morning… Be prepared!!!!
YOUR FIRST TIME is going to be SUPER hard, and you’re going to have all kinds of irrational thoughts. But its OK. It will get easier. You are normal. Cry it out. Listen to your, for once, more rational husband. IT will be over before you know it.
I’m still a very new mom with ZERO experience, but as I sit here in my bed writing this post, staring at my sweet (still in-one-piece) baby girl, crying (of course)…I need to tell you something.
THINGS ARE DIFFERENT NOW.