Bleepity Bleep Bleep Cup!

sleep dep cartoon
Friday, I woke up feeling like I hadn’t slept in days.
Sleep every few days. Yeah….I haven’t slept longer than 4 hours in about 6 months. And boy did I feel it big time on Friday! On top of sleep deprivation I started my period which is nothing new- you know most nursing moms get a reprieve…but nope. Not this mama. My “friend” came back right away.  Anyway, I felt like I was extra extra emotional Friday morning…then I went to Hannah’s doctor & lets just say that was the “straw”!
*SIDE NOTE* Consider all information about my monthlies as being “Transparent” rather than gross. OK! Thanks.
At the doctor’s office, Hannah scored almost perfectly on the chart that tracks what milestones she should have met by 6 months. Seriously, that put me in such a good mood. I am not competitive by any stretch of the imagination. But I was looking around at the other babies just looking for someone else with a clip board. I wanted to be like….
-So, how did you baby do?
-Oh really….touching his toes. Thats great!
-Yeah I’m sure he’ll crawl eventually.
-Oh Hannah? Well, I mean she’s well…UM PERFECT!!!!
Her lowest score was a 55 out of 60.  I MEAN COME ON!
Toes – check
Grabbing- check
Sitting Up- Check Check
Crawling- Check
*SIDE NOTE* There is definite fist pumping & cheering from the invisible crowd that follows me around
I have such a healthy  & happy baby. And all jokes aside I know what a blessing that is.
So I ask my normal zillion questions to the doctor, then await for my new set of instructions. Then she started talking solid food! I mean I knew this was coming. I was prepared for that….but as she went on giving me a list of my dos and don’ts she just casually said…
-Oh yeah, and I want you to introduce her to a sippie cup with water in it….
#*%#& Please! I know you did not just say SIPPIE CUP! No, no no. You must be mistaken!
Big kids have sippie cups & Hannah is not a big kid!!!!
I’ll be honest. Hearing all that cup & water nonsense may have made this hormonal-zombie-mom, fall apart on the inside. I kept it together in the office. I mean, I was expecting solid food. But I was NOT expecting food 3x a day and I sure as HECK wasn’t expecting ……A SIPPIE CUP!!! After that I just shut my mouth, took notes, then headed out the door.
In true to Jessica fashion when everything around you seems to be falling apart…GRASP FOR CONTROL! I can’t control my baby growing up, but I can control how I deal with it. If she’s going to eat, she’s going to be the most prepared and organized eater! Don’t think about her growing up Jessica, think about color coding a feeding schedule. (Poor Hannah! Your mommy is a nerd!!)
Back at home I unloaded a lot of unnecessary new purchases, the last one being a purple sippie cup. That Bleepity Bleep Bleep Bleep sippie cup. As I begrudgingly washed its many parts I thought – OH Cup- I hate you! You represent my baby reaching yet another milestone, therefore I despise you. Oh sure you’re cute with your big wide handles, and your NASA inspired spill proofness but don’t get twisted. I hate you! I will mock you and laugh each time my BABY girl throws you on the floor. I will give you the stank eye and say Ha! Take that Bleepity Bleep Bleep Cup!
Tommee Tippee
 *SideNote: Because cussing is frowned upon at my house, and I used to have a slight (by slight I mean major – like a sailor) problem with the wordy dirds…I have to come up with other ways of expressing myself. Bleepity Bleep works for right now.
How is it that I can be so proud of my BABY hitting all of her milestones like a super rock star, and in the same millisecond cry because she is growing up. Y’all!!! I’m only 6 months into this thing. I’ve got to pull myself together. I can’t cry at the grocery store each week I buy a new vegetable or curse at tiny cups for the rest of my life.
I’m crying out for help. Please tell me how to handle this mess!

Hannah at 5 weeks (never got published)

Hello friends, family and complete strangers Facebook Friends! I love that you came over here to read about my shenanogans. I love writing, but I love that you enjoy reading it even more. When I first started blogging I had every intention of writing once a week and posting on Sundays, but that hasn’t happened for quite some time. Because of my inability to keep within a self-imposed deadline, the best way to keep up with these posts is to SUBSCRIBE. That way the internet elf I hired will be able to put a love note in your email box about a new post.
*The SUBSCRIBE button is located on the bottom of the column to the right…under church tweets.

Now then, I wrote this post in March…and I’m not quite sure why I never posted it. I decided to post it now just for me. A friend from church recently told me that the first year of a baby’s life feels like one long day. In other words it flies by. Reading this now proves that statement to be true.


5 weeks ago I gave birth to the world’s most beautiful little girl. You can read all about that glorious adventure here.
I have been oh so pleasantly surprised at how fast I have fallen in love with both my baby girl and being a mommy! That first night at the hospital I hardly slept a wink. It wasn’t Hannah’s fault; I just couldn’t keep my eyes off of her. There she was, our precious miracle; our future, lying there at the foot of my bed. It was surreal to say the least.

Weeks later, I find myself doing the same thing. Just staring. Right now Hannah is sleeping in a pack n’ play bassonett type thing right next to my bed. She is wearing a fuzzy pink sleeper (Yes! with the little footies- I know its ADORABLE) decorated with cupcakes, and purple striped mittens. She’s swaddled tight from the armpits down. This uniform partnered with a full belly is a sure-fire way to get her to sleep. Learning this technique took some time and a bit of compromisation to discover. Basically we said, “Hannah, we’ll let you keep your arms and hands free, but you must have mittens!” She likes to thrash her arms while she falls asleep which isn’t a problem. The problem is when she takes those sweet precious fingers of hers and thrusts them directly into her eye balls. It freaks me out.

It took about a week to discover Hannah’s night-time sleeping habits. Thankfully she is an easy baby. She enjoys sleeping and does quite well at night. Around 11:00 or 11:30 Ben and I will prepare our bedroom with a swing, change of clothes, diapers/wipes, a boppy or “my breast friend” (both are extremely helpful when nursing), a paci, and a burp cloth. We put a clean diaper on her, get her set up in her “uniform”, give her one last go at the um…utter, let her fall asleep while nursing, then we plop her in the bassonett thingy and BAMO! Sleep happens! Our routine for the last three weeks has been 12am (feed), 4am (feed & diaper), 6am (feed), 8am (feed & diaper, wake up and play, then we’ll take an hour nap. Watch it, I say that today and tomorrow everything will be different.

Everyone says, “Sleep when they sleep” great advice if it came with someone who would bundle me up and rock me while gently caressing my sweet beautiful face…but that aint happening. So rather than sleep I generally choose between house chores and facebook stalking. Getting things done around the house has been quite a challenge. You would think that being home with a baby that sleeps close to 20 hours a day my house would be a pristine palace. It’s definately not!! I can not for the life of me figure out why. I am master at completing a hundred things in 60 seconds. But I guess something happened on January 24th. Since then I’ve lost my mind, I run into walls, I misplace my cell phone constantly, start 10 different projects and then forget about all of them…Welcome to Crazy Town USA.

Luckily I have a Super Hero husband. He embraces living in Crazy Town and even compliments me on how I’m keeping it together. He’s such a sweet liar man! Seriously, I don’t know how I would keep it together without him. He is such a team player and shows me so much grace! He’s my favorite husband!

Speaking of Favorite Things here are some of my favorite HANNAH things:

1. Her grunts: When she’s nursing she’ll grunt at my boob indicating its run dry and she’s not happy about it! Its hilarious.
2. Her nose and belly button: I’m not quite sure where her nose came from but it is just adorable!!! And her belly button…oh my word! For now its an outtie unlike her mama’s which is more like a cavernous black hole.
3. Her face as she is waking up: When she wakes up on her own its because she’s hungry and that face is not so cute. But when I wake her up she stretches and gradually opens her eyes. Then she just stares at me so peacefully. AHHH I’m in love!
4. Her feet. I’ve always had a thing for baby feet and was disappointed that I wasn’t able to feel them during pregnancy. Now I see them all the time and I give them lots of kisses! I call them my “sweet feet”.
5. Being startled: I definitely don’t startle her on purpose but with a dog who barks regularly and having to nurse in public bathrooms with loud tornado speed hand dryers…it happens. Her eyes get really big and her arms thrash up into the air. HAHAHA so cute, I mean aww poor thing. 🙂

Categories: Baby Miller-TS

My First Time

My First Time…you’ll get it in a minute. Its late and I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster tonight.


Have you ever experienced a moment where you have a thought and then all of a sudden hundreds of memories or pieces of advice come flooding in only to reiterate that very thought? My guess is that you have, but that description probably didn’t ring a bell. Let me share what happened…then I’m sure you’ll remember your own “moment”

Tonight was our first date night. Which means it was also the first time BOTH of us have left Hannah at home. We have experienced being away from Hannah, but his time was different, much different. Neither of us would be there with her. We as Hannah’s parents know how indescribably special she is and knowing as much, will do anything and everything to make sure she is safe, healthy & happy. As long as one of us is around…Hannah’s covered.
*SIDE NOTE* As a mom & a wife I couldn’t have asked for a better “Babby Daddy”. Hannah’s Dad=A+. I also know that our God, the King of Kings loves this girl infinitely more than Ben & I combined…and that He truly has her “covered”. But there’s head knowledge and heart knowledge. I’m a new mom. Give me some time and I will try to remember that next time. 🙂

The day has finally come! Date Night…is on.  6:30pm showing of “Olympus”. Grandma is at the ready. Dinner fixed and eaten by 5:45pm. Last minute details being given. Nursing takes a bit longer, no problem there’s a 7:30pm showing. Say goodbyes & walk out the door…

For most, the next event in this chain would be getting in the car & driving off. Then get a ticket, buy popcorn, & enjoy the show. For me…not so much. Not a second after my feet hit the front porch did I start tearing up. “What If” thoughts,  like rain,  flooded my mind. Imagine your windshield in a rain storm. Can’t see much past whats right in front of you right? Yeah. Well that is how my already fried brain felt like. I did “get in the car & drive” but I also had to be reassured that everything was going to be ok and remember that this step had to be taken. Step #1. Leave your child at home and have a date with your boy toy. SOOOO easy to say SOOOO much harder to do.

As I was in line getting our tickets I noticed all the other women who were doing IT. (Oh. How that word has changed!!!) These moms with their grown children, did IT a long time ago and a lot since then. Those moms with there 4 young children running around probably don’t do IT very often…
I’m making this sound funny on purpose, to balance the fact that in reality I have been a HOT MESS ALL NIGHT!!!!. I was crying staring at these brave women. Then the “moment” I was talking about earlier, hit me. Things are different now.

THINGS ARE GOING TO BE DIFFERENT NOW. How many times have I heard that during my pregnancy??? But now, tonight, I heard it was such clarity and understanding. Getting ready to have a few hours alone with Ben is DIFFERENT. Being away from my daughter is DIFFERENT. Going to the movies is DIFFERENT. The way I look at my own mother’s, motherly instincts is DIFFERENT. How I look at women with children is DIFFERENT. How I look at women without children is DIFFERENT.  “Women’s brains are like spaghetti, they are connected to everything. So true, but even that is DIFFERENT than before. I have a lot more noodles now! 

Things ARE different now, and tonight I was away from my daughter for the first time. That was DIFFERENT. You know how when you are standing in line at a roller coaster secretly freaking out and trying to think of just 1 way to escape without looking completely chicken…then you see that 7 year old get out of her seat all giggly. That is when it hits you and you say to yourself “If she can do it, then surely I can too”. All these other women doing IT tonight, in the movie theatre, with their husbands (sorry. just can’t stop) they were my 7 year old. If they can do IT, so can I. And I did. I successfully sat through an entire movie in a theatre a whole 5 minutes away from Hannah. That is major. Step #1 complete!

I am not trying to be overly dramatic here, I’m just writing out of a still very emotional evening.

Listen ladies, your husband may have “stolen” your heart, but this baby is walking around with it. We have the honor of being the safe place God uses while our baby grows; but the second he/she is born Its On Like Donkey Kong!!!  Your heart which used to also be stored safely within your body, is now breathing and very vulnerable. News Flash! This is what causes our “noodle brain” to go out of control. Yes!, women are complicated and Yes!, we are at times a little crazy…but someone(s) are walking around with our heart.

Coming home never felt so good! Being away from Hannah did not feel right. IT did not feel good and I don’t want to do IT again for a while, but I am…tomorrow…. at church. 
(Man I’m on a role…insert the “Lord forgive me…” Larry the Cable Guy impression here)

Wish I Knew Then What I Know Now:
New date night-less moms, moms-to-be, and Jessica Miller tomorrow morning… Be prepared!!!!
YOUR FIRST TIME is going to be SUPER hard, and you’re going to have all kinds of irrational thoughts. But its OK. It will get easier. You are normal. Cry it out. Listen to your, for once, more rational husband. IT will be over before you know it.

I’m still a very new mom with ZERO experience, but as I sit here in my bed writing this post, staring at my sweet (still in-one-piece) baby girl, crying (of course)…I need to tell you something.


Our very own “Baby Story”

OH MY GOODNESS!!! I have REALLY missed writing! I think about things I could be writing all the time. But then before I know it two months have passed and I haven’t written anything!!! Well, I’m back and I have so much to tell you.

For starters, we have a new addition to the Miller Family. Miss Hannah Nicole Miller officially made her earthly debut on Thursday, January 24, 2013 at 5:59pm. Those of you who know me know that I wanted to beat up the nurse that made 5:59 her official birth time. Seriously?! Someone couldn’t have said, hold on for 60 seconds or just fudge it and make it 6:00pm. 5:59 shouldn’t even be allowed! To make matters worse Hannah weighed 7lbs 15oz. Not 8lbs but 7lb 15 oz. LOL go figure. Other than some stupid (not round) numbers, Hannah’s entrance into the world could not have gone any better!!! I’ve watched about a million of TLC’s “Baby Stories” and heard about a million more during my pregnancy. I have to say, everything went off the charts amazing. I wasn’t expecting terrible but I wasn’t expecting great either.


Let me give you some history real quick:
1. Hannah continued to measure big throughout my entire pregnancy. Ultrasounds were indicating that she was going to be around 9-10lbs. That is very scary considering I don’t even bowl with a ball that big!!! Ben’s cousin, Will, was around 10-11lbs at birth and I remember him looking like  a linebacker. Seriously, he had muscles and had already started growing a beard.

2. My mom had a c-section because the cavity in her pelvis was too small for me to fit through.

3. My birthing parts were not cooperating AT all. In fact at 39 weeks I didn’t feel pregnant at all! The only complaint I had was the pressure I felt in my downstairs area. Lets be real, I felt like it was falling apart. But other than that (HAHA) I felt great! No swelling of the feet, wasn’t really tired, hormones were in check. Although I felt great, my doctor was slightly concerned that I wasn’t progressing AT ALL! So we talked about being induced. Because of her schedule and the amount of other ladies being induced already, we decided to induce on my due date – January 23rd.

These three things aided in my thinking I had a less than good shot of having a V-birth. (Its a little awkward talking about my lady parts to the world but they are pretty important to this story…so bare with me as I continue to refer to them in code.)


Now imagine pictures of cute babies flashing before your eyes, a baby book majestically falling open and a TLC logo appearing at the bottom right hand corner of your computer screen….soft lulaby music then a pregnant lady belly…. YES!

This is MY Baby Story:

Ben and I got to the hospital around 8:00pm where I signed a zillion pieces of paper, made decisions about immunizations I had never heard of, was branded with 4 wrist bracelets, then immediately attached to monitors and IV. Game ON!
Well…sort of. Apparently, I was having steady contractions which totally took me by surprise because I was feeling absolutely nothing at this point.  Because I was having steady contractions they skipped the first drug and gave me patosin. That was supposed to increase the contractions and help my parts get ready for the grand entrance. Thanks to the 100 gallons of fluid being pumped into my arm,  I didn’t sleep very well. I swear I got up and tinkled about a zillion times. Ben kept me company until falling asleep on the cement couch. I sat on it once, it was the stereotypical hospital guest bed.


I don’t remember exact times, but I know sometime before 9am, a nurse came into to check my progress and gave me dim results. I will skip the graphic details and tell you that this exam was excruciatingly painful and would have made a GREAT clip for my Baby Story tv show. I had the typical labor-face. You know the wincing in pain-crying out in pain face. I recovered just in time for my doctor to arrive and do the exam over again. YIPPIE!!! She came right out and told us that if I had in fact not made any progress, she was going to send me home until the NEXT Wednesday. We could go home and “Try Again” later. WHAT THE WHAT?!?! I gave Ben, THAT look as if to say “Get the rope and tie me to this bed” and proceeded to nod at my doctor. She continued talking, but 1/2 my brain was busy yelling at my lady parts…”We are NOT going home” “I said GAME ON last night, do NOT make a fool out of me” “GET IT TOGETHER-NOW”

Then as if by some labor induced miracle, my doctor said some important wonderful things ( I was still talking to the V-team in my head, Ben could fill in the details) & the next thing I knew she was breaking my water!  Within 2 minutes I went from thinking we may go home, to feeling this WILD pee all over myself feeling. So of course I started laughing hysterically. Doesn’t everyone laugh when bodily fluids gush out of them? Y’all I’m not going to lie, as happy as I was my V-Team (lady parts) woke up and got in the game, I was secretly freaking out … I WAS HAVING A BABY!!!

Since my water having been broken and I had continued to receive heavier doses of the patosin, my painless contractions turned into AHHHH! REAL MONSTERS (90’s cartoon reference). Ben and I labored for about 2 hours before I got my epidural.
I should rent out Ben to expectant mothers. He stayed calm and did everything I asked of him. The contractions were coming one right after another so I didn’t really have time during recovery to tell him when it was over. So we developed a system; if my head was down I was having a contraction and he was to rub my lower back hard. If my head was up it meant I was recovering and he was to lightly rub my entire back to help soothe me. Occasionally my head would fall at the wrong time confusing both of us, but for the most part we did great together! 

SIDE NOTE:  I had the strangest anesthesiologist! If Goofy and Pee Wee Herman had a baby that graduated from med school, I would bet anything it was my anesthesiologist.  A woman with a ginormous belly leaning over in a very specific way, while having VERY PAINFUL contractions all while trying to ignore the enormous needle penetrating her spinal column, is not the time for small talk! Luckily, I had a rock star nurse who kept me calm and helped me through the whole thing. I was so close to loosing it with him. I wanted to say Shut the (not nice words here) up and do your job!!! Luckily for him, I hurt to badly to say such things.

Although he was a wackadoodle, he did provide me with several hours of pain-free labor, but eventually my monster contractions came back. That meant that we had to call Goofy Herman to came back and give me some more drugs. I don’t remember what he gave me but it completely paralyzed me from the waist down. I felt absolutely NOTHING and could no longer move my legs.That went on for a couple of hours but like before, the monster reared its ugly head again. Around 5: 20pm my rock star nurse checked my progress again. Having spent all day with me and Ben (we were the only ones delivering that day), and being dangerously close to the end of her shift, she cheerfully said I had dilated to a 9 and we’d probably have a Baby Hannah in about 1-2 hours! Then about 5:30/40pm, my doctor came in and checked me for herself. She “ooohed” and said get ready folks we’re having this baby right now! My doctor (also about to go home) & rock star nurse were genuinely excited to be able to deliver Hannah. Ben and I were already elated, but knowing those two were just as excited, really meant a lot! Thanks ladies!!!

As my doctor and my rock star scurried to get ready, my eyes met Ben’s and we both started tearing up. It hit both of us like a ton of bricks…we were going to meet our daughter! The rush of emotions were incredible. In between emotions I was told to scoot down and put my legs in the stirrups. HAHA! Yeah right -Aint Gonna Happen! Remember I was pretty immobile from the drugs. That meant my doctor, rock star, and husband had to HOIST my limp body. Oh my gosh how embarrassing! The doctor and the rock star began giving me instructions on how to push, but quickly told me to stop because Hannah was crowning and they weren’t completely ready yet. Ben’s eyes got HUGE. I will never ever forget that moment. Ben had the look of pure joy and expression of awe that captivated his face.

Six, yes, SIX minutes later I had a ooey gooey bundle of love crying on my chest. Ben and I lost it. Our baby was finally here, and she was healthy and beautiful and marvelous and every other adjective you can think of. PURE L-O-V-E radiated from every fiber of my being! Mommy & Daddy finally got to meet HANNAH!!!!!

The nurses took Hannah over to clean her up and do their tests. Ben went with Hannah (she stared at him the entire time it was so sweet) while the doctor stayed with me. Hannah’s lightening fast arrival did a number downstairs but  thankfully Goofy Herman’s miracle drugs were still doing their job! I literally felt NOTHING. Listen ladies. I can see where having a baby naturally may be liberating and all “I am woman hear me roar” in theory, but  there is nothing better than being able to experience the JOYS of child-birth WITHOUT the pain. Just saying…in my opinion drugs are the way to go!

I am officially joining the “only parents can understand club”. For 9 months I tried to imagine how I was going to instantly love this little girl…I couldn’t! Its one of those things, “Can’t be explained, only experienced”. For all of my friends who are currently pregnant or thinking about having a baby, my heart is so full of expectation for you. Get ready, there is a little baby who is about to take your heart captive and unleash love like you’ve never experienced before. Hannah’s been here for 3 weeks and I am still falling deeper in love with her (and her Daddy) daily! Its incredible, simply incredible.


And for those of you not following us on facebook….Here’s Hannah’s nursery


Categories: Baby Miller-TS, Hannah

Quit or Be Content…

I have a confession. I’ve promised to be completely transparent, but I just read a draft of a blog post I wrote in August and have decided it will NOT be published. It was called “I Quit Life”.

Basically, I got overwhelmed with life (family, work, home, friends) and in typical Transparent Sunday fashion -set out to tell you about it.  However, reading it now, I see it was really just a whiney mess of thoughts from a very tired and stressed out pregnant lady. I didn’t even finish reading through it. It’s bad folks. Imagine this guy writing a blog and you’ll get the idea HAHA!

I’m happy to report that I don’t want to quit life anymore and although I am not as stressed, I am definitely not CONTENT either.
The inspiration for today’s post came from a friend’s facebook status I read this morning:

I am thankful for contentment – that peaceful, settled feeling – the absence of the gnawing unrest inside telling me that life is not turning out the way I planned it or that something is not quite right. I don’t mean complacency, but the inner satisfaction of knowing that life doesn’t have to be perfect to be great – the rest that comes from knowing I am where God wants me to be and that He will continue to take me where He wants me to go – the place He knows is good for me. I don’t have to plan it all out and worry about it. He painted my picture before I was ever born, and every day He is showing it to me.

Now godliness with contentment is great gain. 1 Timothy 6:6

Being confident of this very thing, that He who has begun a good work in you will complete it until the day of Jesus Christ. Philippians 1:6

WOW!!!! Let me start by saying that just by reading that I felt a sense of peace. Funny how soaking in God’s Word will do that. His Word is clear. He wants us to live life to the fullest, and to live in a constant state of peace. He is faithful, and He does have his absolute best planed for us. I get in the way of His perfect plan EVERY single day! You know how I know that? Because, I don’t think I have EVER been in that place of perfect peace and rest. Phrases like “Settled” “Absence of Unrest” “Inner satisfaction that life doesn’t have to be perfect to be great” “I don’t have to plan it all out” are foreign concepts to me. I know how to be the opposite of all of those and ready to Quit Life, but to be at peace and be CONTENT with life…shake my head.
Reality is I do my very best every single day to balance a life of friends, family, ministry/work, and I constantly fall short. Man! What a hard pill to swallow “My Very Best Isn’t Good Enough”, and I swallow it all the time. Truth is I will never be/do enough. People will always need more of me, work will never be finished, and I will never satisfy the needs of everyone. That is not how it is supposed to be! No wonder I, and I’m sure many of you, continue to feel overwhelmed and want to Quit Life.
You know what that facebook post reminded me of….even though I know better, I continue to live in the flesh, serving the world as BEST I CAN. We’re called to serve only one person and that man is Jesus. My very best is all that he asks for and it will always be good enough. In fact, in my absolute failure I am still good enough. We are ALWAYS good enough in His eyes. My friend gets that! That is why she is content. She said “Life doesn’t have to be perfect to be great”. God says, I don’t have to be perfect to be great and definitely don’t have to be perfect to be loved!
You have no idea how much I wish I could snap my fingers and make myself live in that pure and beautiful state of God’s perfect plan of peace! For those who don’t encounter people, live in the 7th Heaven, and shama-lama-ding-dong constantly…this may come naturally for you. But not for me folks. Chaos is natural for me. Who knows why… but I’m definately on a mission now.
I haven’t done this before…but indulge me. After spilling my guts in this post, I don’t have answers and I haven’t come through to tell you about it…so how do I end this? I want to PRAY! Actually, I like to call this type of praying, PROGGING. Yeah! I made that up. We’re going to pray + blog. 🙂 Wait, I have to turn off my Pandora Radio. I’ll be progging and then start writing lyrics to a song and yeah…its off now. Here we go.
Lord, you have such a perfect plan for our lives; follow you, trust you, and worship you. Living a life as you have planned it, means we’ll have no reason to feel overwhelmed, not good enough, not loved, and not at PEACE! Lord help me live in peace! You are the Prince of Peace, and I know you dwell in my heart so please help me to remember to let peace reign there. Lord, I cast down the spirit of heaviness and I bind the spirit of perfection AGAIN! Lord, help me to see where I keep allowing these things to creep back in over and over. You are my master not perfection! Teach me and guide me by your Holy Spirit to be content. Thank you for your perfect and unconditional love…I need a lot of it right now. Amen.
Transparent Reader Question: Do you want to Quit or be Content? What has the Lord shown you about His perfect plan of peace?

We’re 1/2 Way There!!!

AHHHH!!! I can’t believe it…We’re at the 1/2 way point in this pregnancy.

At 9 weeks, I was in a hospital bed severely dehydrated after throwing up a-bazillion times. I remember sitting in that bed looking into my puke bucket thinking “How in the world am I going to last another 31 weeks?”

Well, almost 3 months later I can say with an un-nausiated smile on my face that it is SOOOO much easier now!

Other than the labor which I hear is a painful, bloody-goopy scream fest…I am REALLY looking forward to the next 20 weeks. Specifically feeling her feet and baby showers!

Ok, so I know the reason most of you are on here is to see Baby Girl and Baby Bump pictures. I’ll post those here and if you are interested in some updates, I’ll try to post those next Sunday.

So there we are !!! I’ll probably take bump pics once a month seeing as how that’s the trend I’ve got going right now. I may even have another ultrasound seeing as she was camera shy this week and they couldn’t get all the stuff they needed. Oh Darn we get to see her squirmy self again!

Thanks for all the love guys! It is 10 million times more fun getting to share our joy with you!!!

Sorry for being such a B-word

Hey guys!
Its been awhile since I posted something and even longer since I posted something non-pregnancy related.
Believe it or not I actually wrote this post earlier this year (like March ’12). I’m not sure why I didn’t post it sooner. I guess I was saving it. It is of course characteristically transparent and mildly offensive. But as always,
I hope a little glimpse into our moments of chaos will help you in some way.  If not, at least you’ll get a chuckle.


That got your attention quick!
“Does B-word mean what I think it means?”  -Yes
“O-to the M-G pastor said a cuss word?” – ummmm yes she did…and unfortunately she says them more than she should. Especially around friends. OH sweet precious friends! I love you for letting me let loose!

So who in the world is sorry for being a B-word? – That would be me!
Ben is sorry for being a jerk and I’m sorry for being a B-word.
*SIDE NOTE* Only one pastor in this house cusses. If we both did then he would have said he was being an A-hole.
(quit reading this blog, its corrupting your mind….pastors and bad words OH MY!)

Seriously though! Let me explain where all this cussing is coming from.

I’ve noticed that the last few weeks I have had a VERY low tolerance for all things my husband does that bother me.
Problem was, he wasn’t doing anything out of the ordinary so it appeared to the both of us that I was nuts and just wanted to yell and be mad.  And I wasn’t just getting mad. I was getting ANGRY.

I was all like…

You are officially invited into my head during one of these blow ups:

After yelling all I could think to say (in bold ALL CAPS ) for what seemed like hours (but was probably only 30 seconds) the both of us were just silently laying in the bed waiting for the other one to say something.
(Of course we don’t start this until 11:30 at night….Geniouses we are!)

Meanwhile in the silence, I, the angry one, have adrenaline coming out my ears, my mind is racing with thoughts that come out of nowhere that weaved themselves all up over my original thoughts – bringing up new examples of what I am mad about and just other thoughts that confirm my angry-ness….and if someone doesn’t break up the silence I am just going to explode all over the place.

So what did, I, a rational woman, do in order to save myself? I popped out of the bed, stomped across the floor into the kitchen and started scrubbing a dish! DUH! I gave that dish what it had coming to it! 
In theory I was trying to be reasonable: scrub dishes harder = releasing some of this pent-up energy, Right? WRONG!
I just get angrier because I had dirty dishes in the sink, and it gave me one more reason to be mad.

Oh it was miserable!

But Jessica, not you..that kind of angry-ness and dish scrubbing only happens in those houses where husbands and wives don’t love Jesus.  It would NEVER happen in the Pastor’s house.  They read their Bible all day and sweat Holy Water. 

Well not us!  We love us some Jesus, but that mess was happening all week!

Thankfully B-wordy-ness is uncharacteristic of me, and my husband knows it. So after the 2nd or 3rd explosion of the week, Ben said, “Enough is enough. Where is this coming from?”


That is a GREAT question. One that I am so grateful he asked. I’m even more grateful that we both had an ounce of self-control left to find the answer.

Here’s what seemed to be going on:

A couple times this week I BLEW UP over something that in reality was just not that big of a deal.
That would be true if that “something” was isolated to just one thing, but any woman can tell you…its never just one thing.

I know every couple is different, and just because Ben and I resolve our conflict one way does not mean it will work for you or that you could even bare to try. We are huge nerds and fight like weirdos. I blow up – Ben remains calm – I yell more – Ben’s feelings get hurt – I feel like dog crap & calm down – we talk it out. We talk and talk and talk and talk, because we’ve agreed that 1. We’ll never go to bed angry and 2. Whats the sense in fighting if you don’t have a resolution. Most of the time we are able to argue without blowing up, because we deal with issues as the come. My problem this time was that I was unaware of how hurt I was.

So again, in our nerdiness we set out to resolve these issues strategically. Let me tell you this takes a TON of self-control and a partner that is determined to work with you, not against you.

Problem#1: I’ve been uncharacteristically B-wordy.
Solution#1: Jessica: Find out why and fix it; Ben: Learn what you are doing thats gettin’ on Jessica’s nerves and STOP!

Problem #2: I had a LONG list of offenses I was bringing up (in anger) and rubbing in Ben’s face. 
Solution #2: Don’t discuss the itemized list of offenses. You’ll just go in circles…TRUST ME!. Instead find the ROOT of the problem and dig that mess up!

After talking, we realized that we had been doing things to each other (spouted off in the aforementioned list of offenses) that hurt, but went unrecognized.  Like little pricks to our heart. We felt them but they were too small to deal with. Problem was that over time those little pricks created a bleeding ulcer (not really – but you get the idea).

After talking and talking and talking…emotionally it felt like this…

But it was worth it and absolutely necessary.

Lesson to be learned: Big open gaping wounds in your relationship (that cause blow ups)  don’t usually happen over night.
There has been a systematic breakdown over a long period of time. 
Like I said before, don’t focus on the long list of offenses, focus on the ROOT of the problem and dig that mess up!

We realized that our offenses were rooted in:
1. A bitter place stemming from childhood.
2. An absence of “acts of service” in our relationship
3. Lack of quality time. (Seems crazy to think that we are with each other 24/7 & lack quality time, but its true!)

*Once you guys figure out what the root of the problem is..GO TO BED! LOL you can’t solve all your problems in one night. The key is that you don’t go to bed angry. Forgive each other, kiss & what not, and make a commitment to deal with that ROOT mess.

We didn’t fix everything that night. Lets face it, the offenses will each have to be forgiven and healed in time! They happened, I’m saying don’t focus on them during the argument, but don’t just brush them under the rug. FORGIVE EACH ONE AND LET GOD HEAL THOSE WOUNDS.

This is HUGE….when dealing with deep rooted hurts, you and your partner must cover each other with grace & compassion. It takes time!!!

Transparent Reader Question Action:
Remember this the next time you explode over something “small”:
1. Take a step back before you blow up in anger and say hurtful things.
2. Remember that you are responding to a natural progression of undelt with hurts.
3. Focus on the ROOT issue(s) and not the offenses.
The offenses are like octopus tentacles that have wrapped around your heart. You can deal with one but you’ve still got 7 others to worry about … OR you could go straight to the source -the root- and kill it!
4. Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. (1 Corinthians 13:4-8)

Categories: Relationships-TS